Teddy Hempstead

img_8774Teddy Hempstead is still alive, and hoping this claim will eventually evoke pathos. Teddy Hempstead wrote the autoacclaimed ‘Kid Bambino’ and is working on a sequel, entitled ‘Kid Bambino’. An unoriginal alcoholic and anti-administrator, Teddy Hempstead is often found beneath his bed, quivering in cowardly fear, the coward. Teddy Hempstead is not sure he is meant to be here, but lives in Nottingham anyway.

Marcus Tullius Cicero was an orator born in the year 106 (BC) in the Volscian mountains. Marcus Tullius Cicero wrote many speeches (and said them), and despised man’s pathetic urge to write novels. (Marcus Tullius) Cicero was often found antagonising Publius Clodius, and quivering (manly pride) within a green tree alcove on the path by the beach where he died (and Narcissus stared (probably)). Marcus Tullius Cicero was good.

Five hundred and fifty four years from the day you are reading this, Julien _____ is born, and seizing on the obsessions of a warped, horrible age becomes a cultural landmark, then a cultural pariah, then a pariah (forgotten). Julien _____ writes a seminal novel whose title is the name of an American state. The novel is about a boy who grows up inside the belly of an empire, the mind-numbing boredom of which eventually leads him with sickening inevitability to kneeling by an infeasibly large field of roadside flowers and weeping. This scene neither begins nor ends the novel, and indeed is barely worth mentioning. Julien _____ loses his virginity at the crest of his fame – the age of twenty six.

Teddy Hempstead is still alive.