By Jack Pedder
Mike and I gave God a double BJ.
‘Not bad’ smiled God. ‘But you have much to learn.’
God gave us a lesson neither I or
Mike will ever forget. God is like that.
Emma farted on God’s tonsils, and lived
to tell the tale – to God’s valet, who lives
in one of God’s whiteheads, the same whitehead,
consequently, that stopped God modelling.
God’s modelling career is one of those
things I wish I didn’t know about. ‘God,’
says Jean, ‘is aroused by God’s collection
of spanners.’ She cites evidence. God can
drink the sea. God’s cupboards, according to
God, are chocker-blocked with talcum powder.
No one knows why God started this rumour.
I typed God into Google and found a
website called Rimming Bitches. ‘God,’ says Keith,
‘is an arsehole first, and a God second.’
God stayed over at my house yesterday.
He brought me toast in bed. God likes bringing
toast to places. We want God to have a
good time, but he hates time. ‘Emus.’ God says.
God says ‘Emus.’ now and again. I heard
God say ‘Emus’ once and I vomited.
I heard God say ‘chair’ once and I welled up.
It stings to see God stealing your nightwear.
I told God, if he was going to sleep
in my pyjamas, he could fuck off. God
gave me one look in the eye, and pissed. God
pissed all over my wall. ‘God won’t matter
when we’re older.’ said God, still pissing. ‘Mike’s
a bit of an Emu.’ I said, trying
to make a point. ‘I’m God.’ said Jessica,
masturbating furiously. God walked
into the bathroom, screamed ‘God abideth!’
and masturbated furiously. God
knows how much masturbation God gets through
in a day. I want God to save someone
before God goes out to buy another
pack of cigarettes. God leaves us filthy
every time he changes his sheets. ‘God,’
said God, ‘is all that you bastards deserve!’
There is not too much that makes sense about God
and there is not too much Godly about
sense. Jacob says God reminds him of a
hungry duck. Eric told me God was what
the lack of God did when it got weird,
and Megan told me that if she was God
death would only happen to God. Selah.